Survivors Stigma

Pandoras box opens with an unruly drove of thoughts, incoherent flashes, uncoordinated and timeless.

What I want most is for someone to listen, I don’t need them to understand or to try and relate – like this blog, sometimes I need a sounding board for my thoughts. To say that you know where I’m coming from or can relate to my situation is usually a stretch and that’s okay. 

Though I am part of a larger minority, the truth is I am alone within my social radius, a young man and father that is starkly aware of his mortality, especially in contrast to others my age. As I entertain the prospect of returning to work, my mind generates morsels of corporate thought sabotage that force me to push circle pegs through square holes. If my career is dependent on my health, should I or can I start to rebuild my proffesional identity on such a rocky foundation? What are my short and long term goals beyond the plea for my mental and physical stability? I’ve been conditioned to take life one day at a time, not looking beyond the moment, the crude recourse of a person berated by treatment. And yet most days I am fuelled by looking into the future, to a time when my nightmare would be a distant memory, leaving me untethered and a victor of the blood war I and II.

Imprisoned by my mind and more specifically my memories. I encounter people, places and things that conjure memoirs of my battle, an insidious vacuum that is constantly trying to corrupt my happiness.

In my world, people generally fall into 1 of 2 categories when associating me with my medical history

1. The person is admittedly far removed from the cancer community but is empathetic and largely compassionate. They consciously or subconsciously stigmatize me as a recovering patient which to many translates to substandard or less than capable.
2. A person has familiarity with the cancer community and assumes a 1 size fits all approach when addressing me. This will often result in a series of missteps, leaving me agitated, frustrated and demanding course correction. 

Though I don’t think that either category arrives with malicious intent, it is exhausting to constantly hand out concessions to ignorance personified. As I am currently in the process of reacclimatizing myself to the corporate colony, I’m reminded of the reach of inequality. Beyond the spotlight topics of race and gender exists’ health inequity.

In recovery and beyond, the disease continues to impede on my opportunity pool. After being branded with cancer, people have the tendency to misconstrue survivors’ as incapable. Here the disease continues to run rampant even after its been forced into submission. These views are perpetuated by insipid leadership and passed down the corporate ladder for digestion, empowering a monster.

While on one hand I want nothing more than for life to normalize, I understand that my new normal will require a new setting. Most of us are blind to inequity or accommodation gaps because we are unaffected by them. It’s interesting how aware I’ve become of accessibility standards by simply pushing a stroller. I find it mind boggling how inaccessible many businesses are for patrons with accessibility requirements, specifically those that cannot climb stairs and require a ramp…we can do better. 

Because I’m immunocompromised, my need to isolate has been a constant, necessitating precaution before it was main stream. Interesting how a business that is fully technology enabled can say remote working is unfavourable when it doesn’t affect them but in light of a pandemic can operate more efficiently than the historical in-office cohort…

Perhaps the decision maker was apathetic because they were not personally affected. Perhaps this is why they will never be more, only less than a decision maker- certainly not a leader. 

And for the record…my pencil is sharper than ever and I’m back in the race.