Manifest

Been a minute…

Been broken and fallen but am rising from the ashes of my pain and solitude – trying to combat my weening confidence. My mind travels to my hospital bed unwillingly and without my permission, forcing me to relive the horror of countless treatment and yearning for my family. When will the dark shadow disappear presenting a persuasive argument that I will fail, an attempt to erode my hope, transforming my optimism and influencing who I’ve become. I find myself uttering wishes to be healthy hundreds of times a day, hoping it will be picked up on the divine circuit. And then…seeing my daughters face, suddenly, the shadow is obliterated by the light of her smile and with it comes my solace.

To say my family is supportive is a gross understatement, committed to a fault resulting in their discrete unravelling. Part of my journey has involved waves of guilt, ashamed by the dependency that I have forced on my loved ones, though I am eternally thankful for them. On the other side, the clarity I have with my relationships has evolved seeing action in place of words – affirming who I can count on- a rare perspective.

124 days post transplant and I know its time to look to the horizon, leaving behind the uncertainty and fear of my past. I envision walking my princess down the aisle, a healthy, elated stud overwhelmed with pride at the woman she has become- hoping that in some small way my experience added to her strength and fortitude. 

I look to the future, one foot in front of the other hopeful that my demons will retreat as I’m stronger today than the last…

Regards,

Evelinas grandson.